All of a sudden the water creeps up on you out of nowhere and your stuck in a place you shouldn’t have been. I really don’t understand it. No matter how much I feel like I have gotten better. Stronger. Overcoming my past. It is always the yelling that bring me back. Traps me. Makes me feel like I’m drowning and I can’t breath and I’m almost too scared to try because what if I actually can’t? That will cause a whole new panic. Sometimes it just a small wave that comes. When the yelling isn’t directed at me I can take a little bit. And when I say a little bit I mean like one small sentence. Then the waves get bigger and bigger and suddenly the water is up to your neck. Anything more than that and the more I hear the more set back I become. I try so damn hard to fight it. SO fucking hard. I don’t know why I can’t be fixed. The therapy. The medication. Buying something new. Sleeping pills. Alcohol. Sleeping with someone who gave me attention for two seconds. Weed. I figured eventually something HAS to work. Nothing has worked so far. I really want to hope that one day I’ll be “fixed”. After I’m done drowning suddenly the water will disappear but every time someone yells I can’t help but sit and relive all the things I try so fucking hard to forget.